Quote of the day

After having an e-mail discussion of crackheads having babies, my friend Emily made this comment:

Stories like these are the reason I keep thinking somebody should invent a depo-provera dart gun.

Don't you feel like that after reading another news story about some teenage girl who tried to flush her newborn down the toilet?

TGIF/WATT

Friday again! Don't you love how it never disappoints you? Every week, it's there to make it all better. So now it's time for some fun and frivolity. Time for WATT which in my head sounds like what?! as in Matt Damon singing "Run's House" in Dogma: "say what?!" But I digress. Last week we had a disappointing 2 entries (disappointing in quantity only, not quality, they were quite witty) Today's subject is my uncle Heath. So have at it people and enjoy the last day of work before the weekend! What is Heath thinking??

She better become a lawyer

That's all I'm saying. It needs to be worth the daily, nay, hourly arguments. Question: How do you teach a 4 year old that it is OK to be wrong?

A Letter To My Body

In response to a feature on Blogher, I am now going to adress a subject I don't normally do in public and that is of course, my body. So here we go:

Dear Body,

I've been too hard on you in the past. I'll admit that. I'm sorry. You weren't fat in high school, I didn't mean that. You were so good to me then and I never gave you the acknowlegement you deserved. You took a lot of abuse back then, mental and physical. We did so many things together - running, soccer, basketball, more soccer, water skiing, and that one day we attempted to join the swim team. In my defense though, body, I quit that team the very same day. I did that for you. I mean I can call you pudgy and not good enough all day but I draw the line at hurting every inch of you to the point of not being able to move. That was a rough day for both of us.
What I'm driving at here, body, is that we had some good times in the past and I didn't appreciate you enough. That guy I hang out with a lot? He's really helped me see you for you. I understand now how good to me you really are. So I'm ready to start new here and really take this relationship to the next step. But you need to help me too. I mean were the stretchmarks & extra skin after the babies really necessary? That was a low blow to be honest. But maybe I deserved it with the low self esteem remarks of the past. So again, I apologize. So let's shake hands, go for a nice jog around the neighborhood and get back to the good ol' days. What do you say?

Love,
Me

You Might Be a White Person if.....

My mom found this site a couple weeks ago and I've never seen a better representation of my mother other than, well, herself in person. Really it should be titled "Stuff Elitists Like". If you would like to delve into the inner psyche of my mother, check out these specific posts which I feel really, truly exemplify her.


Bottled Water

New York Times

Indie Music

Not Watching TV

I'm not sure if they interviewed her for these pieces or just heard tale of the legendary woman who laughs in the face of the mainstream genre.

I love you mom!

It's Wedgie-Free Wednesday!

Seriously, I did not make that up - oh that I did, I'd be a rich woman. This is an honest-to-God promotion. It's just about the goofiest thing I've ever seen and I kind of love it.

http://wedgiefree.com/

I'm afraid they kind of look like granny panties (after further investigating, it was just poor illustrating, although my friend Nikki did comment "could them make them sexier?") I'm sure they're very comfortable though. I would hope Sarah Chalke would promote nothing less. Plus she's totally adorable in the video, don't you agree?

Video Movies

OMG this is the greatest video on the internet I've seen in a long long time. Amazing!
http://www.break.com/index/worlds-best-video-production-company.html

Getting over the time change

Everyone I know was complaining yesterday about the lost hour for Daylight Savings. Amazing how just one hour can disrupt your life. Even I myself felt it when the battle to get up in the morning began with the girls barely even moving when I first tried to wake them.

But after getting home at 6:00 and having a beautiful, sunny evening ahead of us, I got over that lost hour pretty damn quick. For the first time in months, we played after getting home. Outside!

Sadly I had to keep Bella tethered since some idiot dumped a bunch of potatoes in the middle of the road. I'm pretty sure she would have died to get at those things and since they were in the road, that was a possibility. This presented two problems: 1. Mia would throw things out of reach of the leash and poor Bella would be jerked back out of her glory run and 2. Mia would throw things across Layla's path resulting in the leash doing a full on Cobra Kai sweeping of the leg. Not a pretty sight.

Layla's a tough girl though and recovered pretty quickly. She then took to "digging". That basically entailed picking up pine straw, placing it delicately on her shovel, and dumping it on mommy's head.

My own mother once got a book from the library about the different humor stages of children. I'm quite sure that if I find that book, dumping things on people's head is #1 under the 2-year-old section. #2 would be putting stinky socks on your hands and waving them in people's faces.

They wore Bella out and I left her outside for at least another hour to play while we cooked and ate dinner. She rewarded us by peeing on the carpet.

There's nothing more exhilirating than the smiting of others

This is my mother's cousin, Father Sam. Look how solemn he appears. He seems like a calm priest, one who will listen and give good advice, no? And that he is. Until the collar comes off and someone puts a laser gun in his hand!

It has become a strange family tradition to play laser tag after a funeral. We did it after my Grandpa's funeral in 2004 and we did it a couple weeks ago after Aunt Tricia's funeral. And really, there is no better way to work off your grief than to shoot to kill!

The first time we played, Father Sam said a little prayer on the way there. It went something like this "Dear Lord, please guide my laser and assist me in the smiting of others" As we ran through the darkness of the game we could hear him "The Lord may forgive you, but I won't! HA HA HA HA HA!" It was hard not to wet myself from laughing. My brother swears that he popped out at one point and told a kid who was about to shoot him, "Stop, stop, I'm a priest!" The kid of course stopped in shock. Father Sam promptly shot him.

Silence!

Mia saw a clip of Jeff Dunham's Achmed the Dead Terrorist routine the other day. She really, really liked it.